I am like a pendulum swinging between two extremes: acceptance and denial. On the one hand, I accept that my baby wakes frequently during the night; on the other hand I am in denial about infinite sleepless nights and believe that if I just change or do one more thing, he will sleep better.
It is the mindset of the sleep deprived. Functioning but not quite thinking straight.
Acceptance doesn't seem very productive. Sleepless nights are affecting my health and emotional well being. I feel run down unsurprisingly. I feel guilty because there are times when I stop enjoying my baby. I think that is because I am desperate to sleep properly.
Don't worry, I love my baby and most of the time, I enjoy being with him. He is a delight and very humorous! It is just that sometimes, I need a proper break and it never comes.
The uncertainty also messes with my mind. If I get a good night, it will all be ok. That if never seems to come true. In fact, there is a certainty, I just don't want to admit it. The certainty is that my baby is always going to wake up.
The last couple of nights, I have got fed up by the third time getting up and pulled him into bed with us to feed him to sleep. I can at least nod off safely while feeding and it increases the sleep marginally. But that comes with its costs. Babies are messy of course. Whether it be vomit or wee, our bed now needs changing and that is frustrating because it is an extra job for me to do!
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