But I do need some sleep.

Last night was just awful.

My baby woke at midnight for a feed, which in itself wasn't such a bad thing.  But I fell asleep while feeding him and woke up an hour later with him half suckling at my breast in his sleep.  In moving him, he woke up and that began two hours of torture.  I just about got him back to sleep 20 minutes after he woke when my husband turned over in the bed and scratched his arm.  I tried to stop him, but it was too late.  It was enough noise to wake up the baby again.

I just lost it.  I told him it was his fault and that it wasn't fair.  Got out of bed and tried to settle him for another ten minutes or so.  But nothing was working.  So I shoved my husband and told him he had to sort it out.  This of course, was not going to work.  Husband tried his best but baby started to cry.  I yelled at husband, who went to the spare room in a bid to not be the source of any more noise.  I then yelled again that he had abandoned us.  The poor man couldn't win.

By this time, baby was being lulled back into semi-sleep.  But I was too impatient and tired.  I put him down too soon and he woke up.  During this time, my husband had been rubbing my back and telling me what a good mother was.  I just couldn't handle it any more.  I broke down into tears and sobbed that I just couldn't do it.  My husband gave me a gentle hug and told me to scoot over to the other side of the bed so he could take over.  He tried for over an hour to get baby to sleep.  Changed his nappy in case that was irritating him but nothing was working.  Although I couldn't actually get to sleep during all of this, it did give me time to calm down and regroup.  I needed that time.  I had been at my wits end.

Eventually I offered to try feeding baby again.  Although he took the feed, he was wide awake.  Then ensued another feeble attempt at comforting.  In the end, I moved over and lay my little boy next to me, wide awake whilst I dozed.  Eventually he fed again and went to sleep.

Unfortunately I kept baby in bed with me the rest of the night, in a bid to have as much sleep for me as possible.  I don't really want to get into this habit.  But I do need some sleep.

I blame the long afternoon nap yesterday.  I blame the four month sleep regression.  I blame this current developmental leap.  I blame myself.